Akabane Angst
by Anneka Neko
Summary: COMPLETE! This started out as a series of oneshots about Akabane and Ginji, but it's become a very angstfilled romance. Rated T for a bit of cussing and a failed suicide attempt. AkabanexGinji
1. Weakness

Authoress' Notes:

Ok! This story is just going to be a collection of AkabanexGinji angst. I have a lot of angsty oneshots with Akabane simply thinking about Ginji, or vice-versa, and a few are just too short to really be single posts. So, I've decided to put them all together here! These will probably all be musings, thoughts and emotions, rather than actual events.

Please enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Weakness**

He didn't know when he'd realized it.

Maybe when he'd saved the boy's life for the first time. When he'd first done something for him that completely defied logic and pleasure.

Either way, he was sure of it now. He loved him.

Once, he had been certain that he was immune to such weakness. There was only pleasure, pain and cold, hard wrath. No kindness, no sadness, no fear- and no love. He'd suppressed any feeling for so long, he'd been sure his defenses were perfect.

And yet… something about the boy fascinated him. Ever since that first moment, when he'd first laid eyes on the boy, he'd known- there was something different here. This boy's power and strength were nearly unbeatable, and his cheerful smile seemed to endure through everything.

That smile haunted him, all the more for his efforts to suppress the memory of it. He was weak, and he cursed his own weakness.

He still wanted to know where he'd gone wrong. He had spent so many years carefully pushing away any weakness. Emotion led to mistakes. He was a true perfectionist, so he denied himself all emotions but pleasure at his job, pain (sweet, sweet pain) and anger- for anger lent him speed and skill where careful training could not.

His armor had been complete, wrapping around his heart, if, indeed, he still had a heart. So why then, with such perfect defenses, had his heart been pierced by a mere boy?

Kurodou Akabane shook his head to clear his thoughts. Well, worrying wouldn't fix a thing- but his blades would.

The only thing he couldn't decide was- who would he turn his blades on? The one who caused the weakness? Or the one who was weak?

**nyanyanyanyanya**

Hope no one got mad about that ending. I was kind of surprised when I decided to write that, but I think it was the only way to end this. And no, I honestly don't know who would end up dying.

Please review! No flames!


	2. Life, Death and Pleasure

Authoress' Notes:

This one is borderline poetry. Pretty much, Akabane-sama had his world all neatly organized, and now he's confused because Ginji messed up that system.

DISCLAIMER- I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Life, Death and Pleasure**

Death? What is Death? I don't understand. I deal Death to others, but then, what is Death? For me, it's amusement. It's fun to cause Death. Once upon a time, long, long ago, I fought against Death, but now I agree with Death, losing all pain.

What's Life? You have fun, find Pleasure- and then it ends. Pleasure. Pleasure is Life. And Death is Pleasure. Death and Life are one and the same- Pleasure.

But then, who is he? Is he Pleasure or Death? Or is he then Life, which is Deathly of Pleasure?

The Sunlight is Pleasure, but Pleasure of Life. The Pleasure of Death is gone from his world.

But where is my Sunlight? And where is my Life?

I guess they're both speared on the end of this knife.

I guess he's my Sunlight, my Death into Life.

**nyanyanyanyanya**

Please review!


	3. Three Little Words

Authoress' Notes:

Hmm… so, I've slightly changed my plans for this fic. I'm doing angst galore, don't worry, but I'm making it a story of sorts. It started right around when Akabane-sama was finally able to admit to himself that he's in love with Ginji. I'm planning on taking this up until that adorable first kiss! (Now if only _I _had a first kiss for reference. -sigh-) So now it's like, "Weakness" was Akabane-sama realizing it, whereas "Life, Death and Pleasure" was Akabane-sama accepting it. Now he's finally confessed it, so it's Ginji's turn! Bear with me, 'cause Ginji's hard to turn angsty! I may have some more Akabane-sama first, so I can put off the chore of turning Ginji angsty.

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Three Little Words**

Ginji was stunned, to say the least. "W-w-what?"

Akabane's face was emotionless. "I said," he clarified, as though Ginji had honestly not heard properly, "'I love you.'" And with that, he turned and walked out the door.

Ginji was stunned. He sat down at the counter. After a moment the others seemed to come unfrozen.

"What the hell?" Ban muttered.

"Oh shut up Ban-san," Kazuki said. "_I_ think it's cute."

Ginji just sat there, mute, as Ban and Kazuki continued bickering. _W-what just happened? D-did he really just tell me that?_ Ginji felt as though his brain had fried the moment he'd understood those three little words.

_…why did he say that?_ Ginji's brain was slow, almost foggy. His thoughts stumbled along, incoherent and lost. _L-love? As in… he _loves_ me? W-why…? I'm so confused. Why would he say that?_

"Ginji?" He looked up to find Paul leaning against the counter, looking concerned. "You ok?"

"Y-yeah. I'm fine. Just… surprised, I guess?" Ginji giggled weakly. He smiled, turning to watch Kazuki and Ban fight it out to the bitter end:

"It's disturbing, Threadhead!"

"It's cute, Snake-for-brains!"

Shido, on the sidelines, called out, "Hey, that's MY insult, Kazu!" He then came over to Ginji. "You're ok, right Ginji?"

Ginji grinned. "Of course!" Inside though, he was screaming. _Help me! Somebody! What should I do now?_

**nyanyanyanyanya**

Please review!


	4. Absolute Control

Authoress' Notes:

Here's the next chapter! This one was a lot harder to do than the first three. It's harder than you might think, writing interactions between a happy Himiko and an angsty Akabane. (Rah, rah, alliteration!) I hope I kept them at least mostly in character. I'm trying to make Akabane-sama seem almost naïve here, because, while he's very smart and sophisticated (not to mention hot and awesome!), I get the feeling that on more personal issues, such as love, he's sealed himself off so efficiently that he's got no clue what to do when he can't maintain the seal.

(My sixteenth birthday is tomorrow! -heart-)

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Absolute Control**

Akabane refused to let any emotion show on his face as he walked out of the store. His back was straight and his stride even. His demeanor was one of absolute control.

Inside, though, he was a mess.

He didn't believe in any higher powers beyond the basic elements of life (Life, Death and Pleasure, to be precise), but he flung his prayers out towards whatever deities might be listening that Ginji hadn't noticed that slight tremor in his voice. He was weak, and that weakness couldn't be stopped, but at least he could hide it when he chose to.

As soon as he turned the corner, though, Akabane allowed his stride to falter a bit, allowed his shoulders to slump slightly, allowed the tiniest hint of his confusion to creep onto his face. He didn't know where his feet were taking him, and he honestly didn't care. He was trying not to imagine what Ginji-kun must be thinking or saying right now.

_Why?_ he wondered. _I don't get it. Why does it even _matter _to me?_

Suddenly he looked up, hearing his name. He looked back to find Himiko seated at an outdoor table at a café. She was waving him over to join her. He turned back, smiling politely.

"Well hello, Lady Poison." His voice was as well-mannered as ever, but he spoke mostly out of instinct. He felt distant, almost light-headed.

"Hi, Jackal." She smiled brightly. "What are you doing out now? I thought you didn't really like the city during the day."

He smiled faintly. "An unavoidable commitment." He heard the deadened sound of his own voice and cringed inwardly. He needed to get back in control. He couldn't allow something as trivial as emotions to make him grow careless or inattentive. Still standing, he shifted his weight slightly.

Himiko seemed to realize that she was being rude to the Jackal- never a wise move, though in truth she had nothing to fear. Akabane felt far too drained to actually correct bad manners with his usual flourish. Himiko said, "Oh, I'm sorry! Have a seat?"

Akabane bowed politely. "Apologies, Lady Poison, but I mustn't tarry here any longer." And with a final bow, he turned and resumed walking down the street.

He still didn't know where he was going. He didn't really care. All Akabane knew was that the longer he concentrated on walking, on the rhythm of his feet on the pavement, the longer it would be before he had to face the emotions throwing his life out of control.

**nyanyanyanyanya**

I have a basic idea for the next chapter, but it may be a while before I get a version I'm happy with. I'll update as soon as I can though!

Please review!


	5. Evening

Authoress' Notes:

Well, here's the next bit! I hope everyone likes it… Ginji angst is so hard!

The chapter title itself is an interesting story. I asked my friend Sumi to read it, right? Ginji angst, as I already said, is hard, so I wasn't sure if this was good or not. And of course, I'm dumb enough to assume that Onee-sama will have a coherent, sensible opinion. So she's hyper and she suddenly IMs me and says:

"I love the word evening.

I never told. ((I feel like she may have meant to put "you" at the end? -talks to her- Yeah. She did.))

Akabane saying that makes me squeal.

Heehee."

…so! That was kinda weird. But it helped, 'cause I was stuck for a title.

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

So, with special thanks to Sumi-onee-sama…

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Evening**

Ginji trudged through the park. It was early winter, so the breeze was fairly cold. He shivered, pulling his scarf closer to his face. He paused, looking through the trees at the horizon. The sun would be setting soon. He should probably head back.

In the week or so since Akabane's startling confession, the mysterious Transporter had been conspicuously absent from the Honky Tonk. Not that Ginji minded- he had no clue what he'd have done if Akabane _had_ shown up.

Ginji sighed, watching his breath disappear in front of him in a puff of steam. He was so confused. He'd never really had anyone love him before. Well, he'd never had anyone _tell_ him that they loved him. At least, not in that way. Anyways, it was Akabane-sama. Ginji was scared of him. That was why he'd never felt comfortable around the guy- the other man's ruthless pleasure in bloodshed terrified him. It reminded Ginji of what he had once been- and what he could become again. Now, with this new revelation, being around Akabane would be even worse.

Ginji sat down on the stone wall that bordered the path. One question bothered him constantly. _Why?_ Ginji wondered. _Why would he say that? I don't understand how he could actually mean that. Is Akabane-sama even capable of feeling love any more?_ Ginji was worried. What if this was a trap or something that the wily Jackal was setting up?

Ginji stood up on the wall, looking across the park. He was surprised when he looked at one of the benches near the fountain in the center of the park. There was someone sitting there, and there was no mistaking that lean form and the black coat and hat.

Ginji jumped down to the path. He decided to go over and maybe talk to the Transporter. After all, how would he ever find out if it was a trap or not unless he talked to Akabane? He walked towards the bench.

When he reached it, however, Ginji found that he had no clue what to say. Tongue-tied, he settled for merely sitting down at the other end of the bench.

"Good evening, Ginji-kun," Akabane said, nodding politely.

"Evening," Ginji replied stiffly. He stared into the fountain, glancing sideways at Akabane every now and then.

The Doctor seemed to be almost huddled up within his coat, refusing to make eye contact with Ginji. Ginji, friendly as he was, found the silence almost unbearable, so he cleared his throat. "Um… Akabane-sama?"

The other man didn't move. He simply asked, "Yes, Ginji-kun?", still staring fixedly at the ground.

"Um…" Ginji said, uncertain where to begin. "A-… about what you said to me last week... I was wonde-"

Akabane stood up. He bowed to Ginji. "Deepest apologies, Ginji-kun. I've just realized I need to leave. Perhaps we can talk another time." And with that, Dr. Jackal walked quickly away. Ginji stared after him. Surely that hadn't been a… a _tremor_ in Akabane's voice?

The last rays of sunlight were reaching over the horizon as Ginji stood up, more confused than ever, and turned back towards the Honky Tonk.

**nyanyanyanyanya**

So, please review! If I'm not getting' this whole Ginji POV angst thing right, I'd really like to know before I do more of it the wrong way!


	6. Stop!

Authoress' Notes:

Well, I'm really excited. I'm nearly done with this fic! Today during chemistry we had almost an hour of free time (I love subs!), and my friend Lizzie let me work on this on her Dana (sort of the newer version of the Alpha Smart, in case ya don't know). And… I mean I just have to finish the last chapter! This isn't actually the next-to-last chapter, though. There'll be 2 or 3 more- I haven't decided if I should split the last chapter up or not.

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Stop!**

Akabane hurried through the night. He couldn't believe that he had just done that. _Why did I run away?_ he fumed at himself. _And that excuse… no one would ever believe that. He'll know for sure now._ Akabane cursed his inability to hide how much Ginji-kun affected him.

He wondered how he would ever manage to face Ginji-kun again- the famous Doctor Jackal, Akabane Kurodou himself, had run from something as pathetic as feelings. Worse still was the fact that he had even let himself have feelings in the first place.

He knew, though, that it wasn't as if the feelings would ever go anywhere. He would be strong, because, with Ginji-kun likely to never love him in return, he would be able to suppress the feelings eventually.

He realized with a start that he was breathing unevenly. Slowing, he leaned against the brick wall of an alley. Akabane clutched at his chest, trying as hard as he could to force himself to breathe evenly, to stop the aching in his throat. _Why am I doing this?_ he screamed inwardly. _How could I ever let myself fall in love? Stop, Akabane! Stop being such an idiot! Stop hurting_/

He slowly sat down on the dirty pavement of the alley. He bowed his head, his breath becoming ragged. He closed his eyes.

"Akabane?"

Akabane looked up with a start, to find Ban Midou standing at the entrance to the alley. He peered into the gloomy alley, which was barely illuminated by a street lamp nearly a block away. His left hand was near his face, ready to pull off his sunglasses and use the Jagan. His right hand was poised to strike.

Akabane opened his mouth. He was going to say something polite, something dangerously sweet about Midou-kun's presence, but he never got the chance, because suddenly he felt something wet fall from his eye.

Midou-kun advanced, ready for a fight. But suddenly, he noticed the tears tracing their way down Akabane's face. "A-Akabane?" Midou-kun seemed stunned.

Akabane couldn't say anything out loud. Inwardly though, he screamed curses at himself, at his weakness. He hated himself for showing weakness, for actually letting himself be so damn STUPID! Why the hell couldn't he just make this stop? _STOP THIS! STOP FEELING! STOP CRYING! JUST STOP IT, DAMMIT!_ he shouted at himself. _I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG! STOP BEING SO PATHETIC! STOP IT! _The only outward sign of his internal conflict he showed was an increase in tears, as he began to almost sob.

Midou-kun backed away, eyes wide. "A-Akabane, w…what…?" Akabane was getting more and more confused. Why was he hurting? He was strong! He was immune to this kind of weakness!

Finally, he snapped. Turning away, he ran into the night. Ban stood in the alley, where Akabane had left him. After a while of staring in the direction where Doctor Jackal had disappeared, he turned back on his way towards the Honky Tonk. He needed to talk to the others; he was unsettled. What on earth could cause Akabane to have a breakdown like that?

**nyanyanyanyanya**

Ok, my friend thinks I'm making Akabane-sama a little OOC, so a little explanation: My theory is that Akabane-sama worked so hard to suppress emotion that he convinced even himself that he'd gotten over feelings. That made him feel safe, immune to weakness. So when he realizes that he's failed and that he's in love, that's one of the scariest things he's ever had to face. And when you hide feelings for too long, there comes a point where you can't hold them in any more and you have a breakdown. Akabane-sama has reached that point here.

I'm gonna wait a while on posting the next chapter, for two reasons: I'm not entirely happy with it yet, and also I want to wait and see if you guys like where I'm going with it. The way it's looking right now, the story will end on the same night that this and the previous chapters take place on. But I can't really tell if that's moving too fast or not. So _definitely_ please review if you think I need to develop the story more before I finish it, and I'll do my best!


	7. Guilty

Authoress' Notes:

Well, no one had emphatic objections to the story ending soon (at least not vocal ones).

So… this story is, in fact, wrapping up rather nicely, I think. I was sitting there racking my brain to figure out how to make this transition to the ending, and suddenly I just kinda knew how I wanted it to work. Yay. -feels accomplished-

Anyways, this is a major chapter, since Ginji finally realizes his own feelings, and it was hard to make it work right. I hope I didn't kill the fluff! T.T;

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Guilty**

Ginji sat in the Honky Tonk, wondering where Ban-chan could be. He'd said that he was only going out to buy some more cigarettes, so he should have been back fifteen minutes ago. Ginji swallowed his bite of ham sandwich, worrying about Ban-chan.

The little store was quiet. Paul sat behind the counter looking at his newspaper, and Natsumi had already gone home, so no one was saying a word.

The door swung open and Ginji looked up, smiling when he saw Ban-chan standing there. But then he frowned, seeing Ban-chan's expression. Ban-chan sat down at the counter, looking very much creeped out. "What's wrong, Ban?" Paul asked, leaning on the counter.

Ban-chan looked up at Paul. "Akabane." Ginji suddenly felt cold. "He was…" Ban-chan trailed off, spacing out.

"Ban-chan?" Ginji asked.

"Huh? Oh!" Ban-chan seemed to shake off his temporary reverie. "He was… crying."

Ginji stared. "W-what?" How could that happen?

Ban-chan shrugged, seeming almost to read Ginji's mind. "I've got no clue why, but he was almost sobbing. It was really creepy. I mean… he's so strong; what could make _him_ cry?"

"What, indeed?" Paul wondered out loud.

A very nasty thought suddenly occurred to Ginji. "Ne, Ban-chan?" he ventured.

"Yes?"

"Um… about what time did you see him?" Ginji asked, trying to sound casual.

Ban-chan stared. "Around… I dunno, maybe 7? Why does it even matter?"

Ginji figured he'd seen Akabane-sama around 6:30 or so. When he thought about it, there was really only one explanation. He closed his eyes, feeling guilty. "I think… I think _I_ may have made him cry."

Ban-chan and Paul stared. "You did _what_?" Paul asked incredulously.

Ginji felt nervous. "I… I saw him in the park about… maybe half an hour before Ban-chan saw him. And I… decided to talk to him, to figure out if he meant what he said last week, or if it was some sort of trap. But he just… got up and left."

Paul was silent for a moment. Then he looked up at Ginji. "Well, if he was crying then the answer seems clear to me." Ban-chan stared while Ginji blushed slightly. "The thing I want to know, Ginji," Paul continued, "is what are _you_ going to do?"

Ginji couldn't speak. He stared at the floor, blushing. Ban-chan looked a little annoyed. "Come on, Paul," he said. "You really think Ginji would… like, _fall_ for that freak or something?"

Ginji was silent. _Y-yeah! Ban-chan's right. I mean come on… fall for that guy? N-no way!_ he thought. But his thoughts kept being interrupted. Thoughts of Akabane-sama's smile flashed into his mind. _But I took away that smile, didn't I? I made him cry,_ he thought guiltily. _Why did I make him cry? WHAT? No! No! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts to have! No! I did NOT just feel guilty about making Akabane-sama cry! No! No! No! Ok Ginji, come on! Think happy, gloating and vengeful! Ahem: I made him cry! Yay! Muahahaha! Serves… serves him… oh, who the hell do I think I'm kidding?_

_But… why am I still thinking about him? Could Ban-chan be wrong? I can't have actually FALLEN for Akabane-sama! Can I?_

"Ginji?"

Ginji looked up, blushing furiously. "I-I…" he started. But he couldn't finish- he was too confused.

Paul sighed, sitting down in a nearby chair. "It's true, isn't it?" He smiled slightly. "Well, it's not like you've done anything wrong."

Ban-chan gaped. "WHAT? Ginji, he's not right is he?"

Ginji didn't know what to say. _Is it? Am I actually in… in… L-LOVE with Akabane-sama?_ After a moment, he slowly nodded to Ban-chan.

Ban-chan just sat down. He took a deep breath. "Oh… ok… Um, I guess that's cool," he stammered. Surprisingly enough, he didn't seem to object to this revelation. That may, however, have merely been because he'd been struck dumb by this new turn of events.

Silence once more covered the room as the three simply sat there, each lost in his own thoughts.

**nyanyanyanyanya**

That pep talk Ginji was giving himself was _really_ fun to write! xD

Please review!


	8. Bloody Rain

Authoress' Notes:

WHOA! This was really unexpected, actually. I was going over the final version of this, my next to last chapter; I was seriously about to post in like five minutes. Suddenly, I had an idea that I just had to use… anyways, now it looks like _this_ is the last chapter. I'm surprised that I decided to write it this way, but it seemed like what would happen.

Anyways, I'm _so_ happy with this story! This is actually the first time I've ever completed a non-oneshot. I hope everyone liked it, and thanks _SO MUCH_ to everyone who reviewed. Whether it's constructive criticism or just someone saying that they like my work, it helps me a whole lot when I'm stuck.

By the way… if you have problems with reading attempted suicides (attempted! No character deaths, dun worry!), blood, etc. then maybe you shouldn't read this chapter. nn;;

DISCLAIMER: I DUN OWN ANYTHING!

**nyanyanyanyanya**

**Bloody Rain**

Akabane kept running, feet pounding the pavement. He vaguely wondered when the rain had started- all he knew was the he was wet now.

Confusion filled his mind. He didn't know how, but within two weeks, he'd gone from absolute control to absolute breakdown.

-----

Ginji sighed when he saw the rain trickling down the window panes.

"Sure you don't wanna wait?" Ban-chan asked from behind him. Ginji grinned back at him.

"Nah, I'm good. I'm used to being out in the rain, remember?" And with that, Ginji hurried out of the café, hiding his sad expression from Ban-chan.

"Try and get some sleep, ok Ginji?" Ban-chan called after him. Ginji responded with a thumbs-up, not turning around. He paused outside. Looking up at the clouds, he sighed before heading down the street.

-----

Akabane stood on the street corner, staring off into the distance. He felt cold and dead inside. He had stopped here some time earlier, to wait for a car to pass. But even after the car was long gone, he'd simply remained, silent and still.

_Why am I doing this?_ he asked himself. _I know it's hopeless. I should just stop trying. _He sighed. _It'll never work out. Why should I keep worrying? I'll just stop caring. That should help._

"Akabane?"

Ginji, somehow, was there. His blond hair was wet, his clothes soaked, his skin glistening with the raindrops that still fell down on them both.

Akabane unconsciously backed up a bit. He stared into Ginji's eyes, then looked away, blushing.

_Dammit Akabane! Remember- it doesn't matter. It's no big deal. You don't care!_

"Um… Akabane-sama…" Ginji said nervously. He took a deep breath. "About what you… um, what you said to me earlier."

Akabane held his breath. What… what was he trying to say? _Grrr! IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! STOP CARING AKABANE!_

Ginji continued. "Well… um… I-I just kind of… I don't really know. I just…"

Akabane stared. _W-wait… I-is he trying to say that he… d-doesn't…_

And suddenly, Akabane wasn't there any more. He didn't know how it happened, but suddenly he was running, eyes once again growing wet. Behind him, he heard Ginji running fast, calling his name. But Akabane didn't care any more. He wanted to get away. He wanted to take all these feelings and shove them back down, where they didn't hurt, where even he needn't worry about them.

_Maybe I was right all along,_ he thought. _I've had my solution the entire time. Why didn't I realize it? There's only one way to end this pain._ A scalpel suddenly glowed in his hand.

Ginji, running fast behind, saw the sudden glint of light. Realizing what it was, he dropped back slightly, cautious. But he still refused to give up the chase.

What he saw next stunned him. Akabane, instead of shooting the blade back towards Ginji, turned the scalpel instead onto his own arm. Ginji's eyes widened and his pace quickened as he saw Akabane's pale arm contrasting sharply with the red blood spilling out of the cut the scalpel had made on his wrist.

Akabane sucked in a sharp gasp of pain, but kept running. Slowly, the sweet throbbing pain in his arm dulled his mind. He didn't have to think about Ginji. He could barely think at all. Akabane relaxed slightly, feeling the warm blood trickle slowly down his arm. Who knew blood would be so warm?

"AKABANE!" Ginji shouted. _Why did he do that?_ Ginji ran as fast as he could, stepping in the trail of blood. Akabane continued running, but his steps were beginning to falter. Ginji saw the white-gloved fingers drop the scalpel, but Ginji didn't pause as he ran past the still-dripping blade.

An alley appeared on the left and, seeing a possible escape, Akabane stumbled into it as quickly as he could- which wasn't very quickly. Seeing that there was no exit, Akabane summoned another scalpel- what had happened to the first one? He'd been holding onto it, and now he couldn't find it. He closed his eyes. One quick slice. That was it, and then he'd never be weak and vulnerable again. He moved the scalpel towards his throat-

Ginji hit Akabane running, grabbing the hand that held the blade and wrenching it outwards, away from the slim, pale throat. His momentum knocked both of them down, and for a moment the two lay there, stunned by the fall.

Akabane was the first to stir. He opened his eyes and, noticing the warm mass of Ginji's torso sprawled across his lap, Akabane blushed. He was about to move away when Ginji's eyes opened. Akabane was surprised. Here was something he hadn't expected- anger.

Ginji sat up and Akabane worriedly noted the cut on Ginji's arm from where his fall had landed him on top of the sharp blade, then immediately scowled, annoyed with himself for noticing. Ginji's eyes flashed as he grabbed the scalpel, tossing it as far away as he could- quite a considerable distance, Akabane dully noticed.

"Why?" Ginji gritted from between clenched teeth. He was shaking slightly as he grabbed Akabane's arm, inspecting the wound. Ginji set to work bandaging the cut with strips from his undershirt. When Akabane tried to pull his hand back, Ginji let loose a small bolt of lightning, just powerful enough to temporarily immobilize Akabane.

A moment later, Ginji stunned Akabane again, as effectively as with fifty billion volts, by pulling him into a tight embrace, still sitting on the ground of the alley. Akabane's eyes opened wide. "G-Ginji-kun?" he stammered.

Ginji's only reply was in tightening the hug even more until there was a slight danger of asphyxiation. He finally loosened his grip, but still didn't pull back. Instead, Ginji put his head onto Akabane's shoulder, closing his eyes tightly. "Why?" he whispered shakily.

Akabane wasn't sure what to say. He parted his lips slightly, but, finding no words, closed them again after a moment. He was focusing on repairing the damage he'd caused to his arm- if he concentrated on regenerating tissue and producing blood cells, he didn't have to think about Ginji. And the longer he put off thinking about Ginji, the longer he kept the pain at bay.

"Why did you do that, Akabane?" Ginji asked, head still buried in the other man's shoulder. Ginji was scared. Why would _anyone_ do that, he wondered. Inside, Raitei laughed scornfully at Ginji. He'd been the Lightning Emperor of the VOLTS. He'd seen so many friends die right in front of him. How could he have _not_ understood why Akabane had cut himself? But Ginji firmly pushed those thoughts and that understanding back down where they belonged- hidden even from himself. Ginji didn't want to understand what had driven Akabane to this- he just wanted to make him stop.

Akabane shifted slightly, but Ginji still held on. He was worried that, should he let go, Akabane would immediately summon another scalpel and end his own life before Ginji could stop him. "Akabane," he said softly. "Please…" Ginji trailed off. What could he say to persuade Akabane to live? "…p-please don't… don't do that to yourself," he finished miserably. How could he, Ginji, ever convince _anyone_ of anything that important?

Akabane's voice sounded distant and cold. "Why not?" When Ginji pulled back, Akabane was looking away, expression blank. "Why shouldn't I?" he asked again.

"I-I… because…" Ginji was at a loss for words. _B-because I… I l-love you… _he thought. But he couldn't seem to make the words form on his lips. A blush reappeared in full force on Ginji's cheeks.

Akabane gently moved Ginji off of him and stood up. He turned his back towards Ginji, facing the damp wall of the alley. "Go," he said in that carefully controlled voice.

Ginji stood slowly. "What?"

"Go. Just leave. Don't concern yourself with me any more." Ginji thought he might hear the faintest quake in the cultured voice, but Akabane stood resolutely staring away from Ginji, expression not so much calm as shut off.

"B-but… Akabane, I…" Ginji fumbled for words. He knew he needed to say this, but he couldn't make the words come out right. "I mean, I… I-I lo- um…" His face burning, Ginji stared down at the pavement.

Akabane's face showed no emotion, but his heart leapt as he guessed what Ginji was trying to say. He could think of no other explanation. _Yeah_, he thought bitterly,_ but that could just mean I'm bad at thinking of explanations._ Nonetheless, he stepped towards Ginji. When he was right in front of Ginji, he summoned a scalpel.

Ginji looked up, but looked back down quickly when his eyes met Akabane's. His head jerked right back up, however, when he saw the scalpel emerge in Akabane's hand. "What-" he started to ask, but he didn't get the chance to finish.

A thin line of pain traced its way down the side of Ginji's neck. Though the blade barely touched his skin, bright red droplets began to well up along the path the scalpel took. Akabane reabsorbed the scalpel and, leaning closer, licked the blood off of Ginji's neck.

Ginji stood stock still. He couldn't have moved if he'd wanted to. However, Ginji didn't feel particularly inclined to move as he stood there feeling Akabane's warm tongue trace the cut on his neck. Ginji's eyes had begun to close, but opened again when he felt Akabane's mouth leave his neck.

Akabane's face was directly in front of his. Ginji saw the slight flush on the pale cheeks, but that was all he had time to note, because the next thing he knew, Akabane's lips were touching his.

Shocked, Ginji stood frozen, but eventually he returned the kiss. The two finally broke for air, avoiding eye contact as they gasped, cheeks red.

After a moment, Ginji wrapped his arms around Akabane, putting his head back on the black-clad shoulder. He finally managed to get the words out.

"I love you, Akabane."

**nyanyanyanyanya**

...ok, just for the record: I've never actually cut myself, so if I described the experience accurately, it's dumb luck. (Nor have I ever had a kiss. -sigh- Did I describe that ok?)

Anyways, I hope I didn't ruin this story for anyone by putting in the wrist-cutting type stuff.

PLEASE review, especially if you think there's anything I can improve about my writing style or stories. I really want to become as good as I can at writing, so if you know something I can get better at, tell me please!

Thank you so much for reading my story! I hope you enjoyed it!


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